the danger is never the gun

By Temidayo Okun/19

"we noticed you just smiled & clapped politely when he, & not you, was called for the award"

"yes, i like this happiness for him. but, i really do not think he won, i just like to think that he went before me "
 
one day     someone will tell stories about you
you'll only be as beautiful       as the words they choose
 
somehow   my memories are being replaced by songs
& so when i remember myself    male as i am   singing
along to Doja Cat's woman        in the bathroom 
i take two deep breaths       & taste the words i want to
say to myself      on the third
 
Mother Earth, Mother Mary rise to the top
Divine feminine, i'm feminine [ why? ]
 
Divine feminine, i'm f̶e̶m̶i̶n̶i̶n̶e̶ alive
why?
 
the most i know about death       is that it'll
make sure your eyes don't move       while
your body burns
 
the truth is               when his mother kept repeating
his silence has a scent       his silence has a scent
she wasn't mad          she was just grieving
 
sometimes i get carried away & i cry till the rain stops
& with my arms still outstretched         in supplication
i can only say i still drown       only difference is that it's in air
i mean        someone still has to leap      to save me
 
the danger is never the gun      the danger is where
the muzzle faces         
this is life        it is conviction         & not certainty
that leads us to believe         that the muzzle isn't
facing us        just because we aren't facing it
 
when mother nature said       live   
all she meant was       i have thrown you off this cliff
what will you do           before you hit the ground
what i really want to ask is           what if
a still heart     is the greatest proof
of freedom
 
one day     you won't be here anymore
you'll be in a coffin      six feet below ground
one day     you won't be there too
 
one day        someone will forget you   
because it'll be more convenient
because     in truth     life becomes you
death does too
 
"you prepared this answer, didn't you?"
"so what?"

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​Temidayo Okun (he/him): is a Nigerian poet who prefers to be referred to as 19. he writes poems. say hi to him on  instagram:  @mr_number_19