To the Editor(s) of EXCEPTIONALLY LONG TRILOGIES
by NOVICE WRITERS
By Chris Sumberg
Dear Sir or Madam or Both of You,
I know that you don't want a long, windy description of the following – admittedly, somewhat long-ish – fiction trilogy. However, I think I must be within my rights to assert that Page One of the attached work, also pasted below this note, is, I'm sure you will agree, an absolute killer. (I speak, of course, of Page One of the first bound volume of my trilogy, with that being, more specifically, Page One of Book One. The first bound volume of my trilogy encompasses – and I admit, it is an early, or “first,” draft at this point, so very much more in my extensive notes could easily be added to it – 235 books.) Beyond that, may I go so far to suggest that Page Two (of Volume One, Book One), pasted here just below Page One (Volume One, Book One) and also attached separately, is, maybe, just a tad stronger than its predecessor? Perhaps, just perhaps, this is only an opinion. As the author of both Pages One and Two (both Volume One, Book One), I cannot claim absolute objectivity in these matters. But I would say it is, in fact, just a tad stronger. Page Three (again Volume One, Book One), which has been read by a completely blindfolded and utterly impartial panel, has been deemed "A-1" by this self-same panel. Impartiality is my watchword, by the way. “But what of Page Four, Volume One, Book One?!” I hear you cry. "Don't tell us you have forgotten Page Four, Volume One, Book One?!" Oh, my lords (and ladies), Page Four, Volume One, Book One, is a doozy. However, I don't want to spoil it for you. Now, Page Five, Volume One, Book One. You might just read Page Five, Volume One, Book One and ask, "My Goodness, however in the world can even this formerly youngish tyro top this page? I don't think it can be done." “Not so hasty, whippersnapper,” says my grandmother (Henrietta by name, simply “Henny” to we her doting family), who, putting Moxie-bottle-bottom pince-nez and all bias aside, has asserted that Page Six – Volume One, Book One – is her favorite-ever-ever work of literature, placing it above even Barbara Cartland: Sultry Song of the Willow's Heart ... Putting all argument and associated reason very much to one side, I don't think I really need to recommend Page Seven of Volume One, Book One of the enclosed, attached, and pasted-in work to a publisher such as yourself. That is to say, I don’t think I need to recommend it to a literary dice roller such as yourself – and a dice roller, I am sure, of the most refined variety. ("Sevens are lucky" has never been more true when applied to this startling excerpt of hyper-extended exposition.) Not that I would sniff at Page Eight, Volume One, Book One, because Page Eight, Volume One, Book One, following, as it does, Our Lucky Lady Page Seven, Volume One, Book One, tries harder, even harder than Page Two (Volume One, Book One), which, as you may recall, follows the opening page of this very work (that is, Page One, Volume One, Book One), and I'm sure you can only imagine the amount of effort that went into writing Page Two, Volume One, Book One, and reading it, too. Speaking of which, I remember writing Page Nine, Volume One, Book One in an intense moment of utter concentration. It was so intense, in fact, that I don't remember actual details of the writing, but, rest assured, this is me and my writing at our strongest. Althoughhhhh, my dog, SoothSinger by name, is quite fond of Page Ten, Volume One, Book One. SoothSinger is a retriever-basset mix, so you know he's as steady as a rock and no dumbass. If SoothSinger likes Page Ten, Volume One, Book One, you should just take it as true. He has a bird dog's nose for great literature. Page Eleven, Volume One, Book One, is EMPHASIZED, because I have placed it all in LARGE, BOLD-FACED, ITALICIZED TYPE. The red ink says to me, "this is a new dawning of a new day of a new publication by a very new (and very talented) writer, a writer who is not shackled to the dull, dusty rhythms of yesteryear, but who, instead, is shackled to the shimmery neon glow of a new tomorrow, a tomorrow where even a Page Twelve (Volume One, Book One), sans large, bold-faced, italicized, red typeface, in fact sans all words, an utterly blank page, suggests to the SUBTLE mind, ‘here, in this very place and at this very time, here is my future; here is my literary destiny; here is a bright hope of a new, glittery tomorrow; here is the sultry song of the willow's heart.’” Oh, my dear little sir and/or madam, now I know you're probably a tad worried about Page Thirteen, Volume One, Book One. Well, guess what? I didn't include a Page Thirteen, Volume One, Book One (or even a Page Thirteen, Volume One, Book Two)! So, YOU CAN RELAX! (As so many portions of this trilogy were written – or in the case of Page Thirteen, not written – in the early morning, or as my trilogy character, Fionea-Lea of Wispe, Daughter of Glandor, the Seventh Son of Hoome, would have it, “wee” hours, on an elevator in one of Las Vegas' most moderately priced hostels, I think it only fitting that this horrible and unlucky page has been forever eliminated from this volume (that is, Volume One, Book One), not to mention the other 666 “books” in this, admittedly, somewhat lengthy-ish trilogy, perhaps more fittingly termed a lengthier triskaidecology (attached here and pasted below this note – or simply click on one of the alphabetized, cross-indexed web links), and I use "volume" here in the best sense of the word, as in "great heap" or "buttload"). Now, with a run-up of a blank page and a missing page, Ol' Mr. Page Fourteen (Volume One, Book One), will really have to deliver, am I right? Well, let me share an amusing little anecdote about Page Fourteen (Volume One, Book One). Will only take a minute, well, maybe an hour ...
Chris Sumberg’s writing has been published in The Guardian, Bitter Empire, Urbanite, Broad Street Review, Chronogram, Orion Magazine (online), and other magazines. His poems have been anthologized in MWPH Books’ Local News: Poetry About Small Towns and tdotSpec’s The Hamthology (the latter a collection on the subject of ham sandwiches). He has work forthcoming in ChiZine’s War on Christmas anthology.